Talking to Children About Death
What to Say & Resources for Families
Most adults weren’t taught how to talk about death, especially with children. So when it’s time, we freeze. We reach for softer phrases. We try to protect them by keeping things vague.
But children are incredible feelers. Even when they don’t have the words, they can sense when something big is happening. When we avoid the topic, kids often fill the gaps with their imagination… and that can feel scarier than the truth.
Talking about death doesn’t create harm. Confusion can.
This is a gentle guide for parents and caregivers on what to say, what to avoid, and how to support children through grief in a way that builds trust and emotional safety.
A few grounding principles first
Aim for clear, simple truths. You don’t need “the perfect wording.”
Follow their lead. Answer the question they asked (not the one you’re afraid they mean).
Small conversations are better than one big talk. Kids process in layers.
You can say “I don’t know / I’m not sure.” It models honesty and creates a safe space for them to do the same).
Words to use
Use language that’s direct and concrete
Helpful phrases:
“They died.”
“Their body stopped working.”
“They can’t breathe, eat, or feel pain anymore.”
“We won’t be able to see them again, and it’s okay to miss them.”
Avoid euphemisms that can confuse or frighten kids
These often backfire with children:
“Went to sleep” (can create fear around bedtime)
“Passed away” (too abstract for young kids)
“Lost” (kids may think the person can be found)
If your family uses spiritual language, you can absolutely include it—just pair it with the concrete truth:
“Their body stopped working, and they died. In our family ____________”
What to say by age:
These are examples, not scripts you have to memorize. Use your own words.
Toddlers (ages 2–3)
Toddlers don’t understand permanence yet, but they feel change and tone.
Try:
“Grandma died. That means her body stopped working, and we won’t see her anymore. We can feel sad and still be safe.”
What helps most: routine, simple answers, lots of comfort.
Preschoolers (ages 4–5)
Preschoolers may think death is reversible, so these
Clear, repeated language. They may ask the same question many times—repetition helps their brain make sense of permanence.
Simple reassurance about safety. “You are safe. I’m here. There will always be grown-ups to take care of you.”
Concrete explanations + short answers. One or two sentences is enough. Let their questions guide how much detail you add.
Routine and predictability. Normal meals, bedtime, school, and play signal safety when everything feels shaky.
A place to put love. A drawing, a candle, a memory box, or a “goodnight message” to the person/pet can help.
Body-based comfort. Extra snuggles, sitting close, holding hands—kids often process grief through their bodies first.
Early elementary
Kids start understanding permanence, but may worry about safety.
Try:
“Death means that the person has stopped living and won’t be with us anymore. It’s normal to feel sad and have lots of questions.”
If they ask “Will you die? Will I die?”
“Everyone dies someday, but most people live a long time. Right now, we are safe, and there are grown-ups taking care of you.”
Older children (ages 9–12)
They can handle more detail, and may ask “how” questions.
Try:
“Do you want the simple answer or the more detailed answer?”
“You can ask anything. If I don’t know, I’ll tell you the truth about that too.”
They may look “fine” and then fall apart later. That’s normal.
Teens (13+)
Teens may understand death in complex ways, including its emotional and philosophical dimensions.
Try:
“I’m here. I won’t pressure you to talk, but I won’t disappear either. If you want support outside our family, we can find it together.”
Encourage feelings without forcing them
They need permission to be real.
Helpful prompts:
“What part feels the hardest today?”
“Do you want to talk, sit together, or make something with your hands?”
“Would it help to draw a picture or write a note?”
Creative outlets can be magic: drawing, clay, music, movement, memory boxes.
Reassurance that actually reassures
Kids often ask questions to locate safety.
You can say:
“You’re / we are safe right now.”
“There will always be grown-ups to take care of you.”
“I will tell you what I know, and I’ll keep telling you the truth about what I learn.”
If a death was sudden or traumatic, keep details minimal unless they ask—and even then, offer “small truth” first.
Rituals (because grief needs somewhere to go)
Simple, child-friendly options:
Make a memory box (photos, notes, a small object)
Light a candle and share stories
Draw a picture “for” the person
Write a letter (or dictate one for little kids)
Choose a song, flower, or place that becomes “the remembering spot”
Ritual isn’t about being fancy. It’s about giving love a container and a place to visit when you need a grounding anchor.
When to get extra support
Consider professional grief support if you notice:
persistent sleep disruption or nightmares
strong separation anxiety that doesn’t ease over time
intense guilt, self-blame, or fear
major behavior changes at school/home lasting weeks
talk of wanting to die (treat this as urgent)
You don’t have to wait until it’s “bad enough.” Early support is often gentler than crisis support.
Resources
Books for younger children
The Invisible String – love and connection that continue
Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After a Loss – grief as something you learn to carry
Books for older kids
I Miss You: A First Look at Death – simple explanations and big feelings
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf – life cycle told through story
Organizations / websites
The Dougy Center – grief support and excellent free resources
KidsHealth – practical, parent-friendly guidance
A gentle closing
Talking to children about death is tender work. You don’t need perfect language. You need presence, honesty, and a willingness to return to the conversation again and again.
A simple truth, delivered with love, becomes a kind of safety:
“You can ask me anything. I will tell you what I know. And we will get through this together.”